Maybe

This year has been crazy; lots of ups and definitely lots of downs, tons of broken hearts and missing pieces, millions of new faces and a few old ones, but most of all, lots laughter and love. This year has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions and a mountain of new things. I have lost some friends and gained some. I've joined a new church and a band. I've had a blast but I've also had a few....or rather a lot of sad situations. It's over now, I'm ecstatic to see it go, but always depressed for it be in the rear view mirror. The next chapter of my life is now upon me, Maybe I'll finally be able to get over *him*, maybe I'll have a few more ups and a little less downs. Maybe I'll realize who my real friends are. Maybe this next year will be better.

Life

I've gone through a lot of struggles lately and haven't really, truly been able to went about them, and even though maybe no one will ever read this, it feels good to be able to let my feelings out. So a year ago on February 7 my brother and parents got into a fight, which resulted in my brother hurting himself in order to get out of the house. It broke my heart. Along with that a guy that I had liked since fifth grade had recently pretended to like me to TRY and get sex. So needless to say that month sucked.
This year around that time I had some good stuff going on in my life and some really crappy stuff happening. My best friend was in the midst of getting together with this guy she liked, whom also happens to be a good friend of mine, and they were both going to me and telling me how she/he was sooooo amazing. I was,kinda, in a way, sent back to last year with the guy that I had liked so much and thought the world of. I was getting depressed and never talked about it, because, well I don't do confrontations or talk to people about stuff. So I started self harming because everything was so bottled up and I couldn't get past the things that this guy had said to me last year. My best friend saw it and told my parents. So they put me in counseling and things were going better. Until two weeks ago.
Me, my best friend, and two other friends were at Taco Bell after youth, just hanging out. My best friend had just broken up with her boy friend and one of the other girls liked the same guy as one of our other friends. So they saw some stuff going on and called the girl a whore. I didn't agree with the situation but things had recently started getting better so I didn't wanna mess them up by arguing with them so I said some things in agreement to appease them.... (kind of reminding my of what happened before WWII). Well the next day my best friends ex asked me why we had called whore that. I said that I didn't called her that and it was none of his business but if he really wanted to know then he should ask her why. He didn't like that answer but preceded to call her and tell her that I said that she was the ONLY one who said that. She got mad at me and refused to talk to me then. I had officially lost my best friend when all I was ever trying to do was keep her as a friend. Our youth pastor sat down us girls and talked to us, kind of sorted everything out. But my and my now ex bff were not talking still. I missed her.
She did end up talking to me again but even so it has never been the same. We definitely aren't best friends now and I miss that. I don't have a best friend right now. It kinda sucks. I miss my best friend! Where did she go? I need her back.

This one time at Band Camp......

So Tuesday at marching band I was going backwards on this really difficult move I have and I hit a pot hole, My ankle twisted and I tried to ignore it since band was almost over for the night anyway. I got home and tried to keep it elevated hoping it would be all better by tomorrow, it wasn't. I got band the next day and went ahead and marched on it for a good hour. Then I got to the difficult move, did it once and didn't make it to my spot, did it again and hurt my ankle even worse. SO much I started crying... if you don't know me that well, I don't really cry, especially in front of people. So I hobbled over to Mr. Perkins and told him my ankle was hurt and I couldn't march anymore. he then proceeded to tell me to go inside at sit down.

Once I was there he came in to check on me and had me call my mom, at that point I wasn't crying anymore. I called her and she said she'd have my step dad come get me, I immediately started crying again. I didn't want to leave band!! I felt like I was letting everyone down. Then to top it of Mr.Burk came in and told me he was proud of me... -_- and he was going to give me bandsmen of the night... I didn't want it!! I thought there were multiple other people that deserved it!! So I went home and after band got out people were texting saying all this stuff and talking about all the stuff Mr.Burk said about me and I really didn't even want any one to know about what happened.

Then the next day at band he mentioned me...again!! I heard that Wednesday night he told everyone I had personal pride, Personal pride?? How could I have had personal pride when I was just being myself???

Mexico Missions 2010

Missions is a big part of my chruch, The Crossroads, and almost two years ago when my family started going there they were talking about going to take blankets to Mexico and later told my parents that I wanted to go on the trip with, even though I knew they would never let me go on my own. Surprisingly when I did tell them Bob, of all people, was the one that almost immediately said he would go with me. So during Christmas vacation I went on my first mission trip to Mexico. We handed out blanket in a little fishing village on the border of Mexico called Las Higarillas. It was truly amazing, but that's another blog. Then that summer I went back and my life was changed once again, plus I was officially amazed by and addicted to missions.

Yet this blog is about neither of those times, this blog is about this summer, in which we didn't go back to the fishing village that I had fallen in love with but we went farther into Mexico. We drove past the second checkpoint to Tula Mexico where we would be going up the mountains to the last village on that trail. This gorgeous village is called San Fransisco. It was 36 miles from Tula yet took 2 hours to get to. Unlike the typical blogger, in this blog I'm not going to start with the first day of our wondrous trip, I'm starting at the last day we were in San Fransisco.

The last day we were there we all walked down to the river and went swimming. the walk wasn't that long and it was beautiful there. Once we were there there was this big cliff and Pastor Shawn climbed up it and jumped off of it. It looked like so much fun!! I instantly forgot I was afraid of heights and climbed up. When I got up there I looked down at the river and freaked out. I stood there for about 10 minutes freaking out with people in the river encouraging me to jump. Soon Grace climbed and jumped off I looked and thought about it some more, then.....I climbed down. I jumped from a lower spot and felt, for a too short time, the feeling that your stomach is going into your throat. and loved it, so I climbed back up the big cliff and jumped. 4 times. It was truly amazing. After as we were talking back my pastor said to me something along the lines of "Some of the most amazing things are scary to get to."

Conquering your fears are hard, but once you do, even if for a short time, the effect is amazing. The freedom I felt while falling in the air is amazing and indescribable, kinda like God. In those moments I think the reason I kept going back for more is the fact that every time I jumped off that cliff that small amount of time that I was free falling I caught tiny glimpses of how amazing My God truly is.

So my parting words are : Even though the climb is difficult the view is even more amazing.

One For Christian Yougas

Lives are taken
Loved ones lost
A day of crying,
A moment to be tossed.
Silence in halls,
Stillness of entire schools,
Parties still going,
Lives still moving.
One day was the only thing a whole life earned.


A life of lives being taken.
A life of loved ones lost.
A life of crying,
No moment ever to be tossed.
Silence slipped off his lips,
Stillness now invokes his whole body,
Parties at a stand still,
No ones life is moving.
Doesn't his life deserve more than a day?

I may not have known Christian very well but he was still human, still a part of all of us. Whether you knew him well, barely did, or didn't at all you still care, you still worry for his family. You still wonder what was going through his head in the last moments of his precious life. You wonder was it because he felt alone in the world? Did someone he love reject him? What was wrong with his life? Could I have stopped this?You hurt for this lost soul. Well at least for the day...

You hurt with everyone for a day at the most. As I say this you say to yourself, ' I must be one of the ones who cares enough to worry for more than a day' Two days maybe? A week? A month? Yet do you think that worrying for a month is enough when he may have worried for a lost one for his whole life?

I may be over stepping my bounds, crossing the line to some uncharted territory that I have no right to be in, but I speak for not only Christian, but for anyone who has lost someone they love and not gone a day since with at least one thought about said person. I speak for those people who, loved someone that dearly but now worry about Christian for this instant in time and then tomorrow it will be as if nothing has happen. If it were you, if you had taken your life because you could not stand one more day in this hateful, unappreciative world, would want people to remember you like this?

So I ask you, as you sit at home, with your families, friends, or alone I ask that you take a moment to think about what I have said. Would you want to go out like that...Lost in a Sea of Faces??